Suffering for Wanting to Know

Over the past few years I’ve become pretty good at knowing, in all situations, that I’m never in charge. I’ve learned well the art of giving it all to Divine Mother, of accepting every pleasant and painful thing that comes as Her will and Her plan for me. Even when what comes is pretty painful, I’ve learned well to lighten my heart before long, with a knowing that She’s in charge, and ultimately doing all that which is unfolding, all for a good reason. I’ve lived every day of life this way for some time…

What I struggle with, however, and at times greatly suffer for, is no surprise, my intellectual nature and curiosity. Over the recent months and year, some (to me) harsh circumstances have come. That doesn’t affect me so much. Where I endure the most pain is their perplexing nature, when they come without any apparent reason, cause, purpose, or meaning to me.

My heart doesn’t take long to ease into accepting what comes, but my mind is what gets me good. I tell myself “Yes, this is here for a reason, and ultimately for my higher good,” but then “Divine Mother, if there’s a lesson here, I’m not getting it!” If this is here to teach me something, to learn not to do something, or to do something differently, or what… I’m clueless. Is it then, if I’m not getting it, still going to fulfill its intended short or long-term purpose? Or am I going to have to circle through these circumstances again and again, until I have some clue what’s happening and why?

I have suffered a great deal recently, mostly in the mind as usual, for things I cannot understand nor explain. And it’s been so fitting that my friend introduced to me the short book Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse. I don’t think I have ever related with a character in a fictional story as well, as Siddhartha goes through the intense motions of pleasure and suffering, of giving up the life, and of living up the life, and mixing the two, looking to find the purpose behind it all.

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