Once again I feel my whole being is turning upside down. I have gone through the feeling once before. That was when I had just endured a breakup from my only love relationship in this life, which had involuntarily flipped me over into the deep waters of spiritual life. In the process, I had experienced an oceanic shift in my perceptions, and consciousness. Now, once more, my “spiritual” world is crumbling down in front of my eyes.
My likes are turning into dislikes, and dislikes into likes. The electronic music that I had replaced with spiritual chants and mantra music are calling me close again. A couple of research project ideas in programming languages, my technical background, from which I considered myself an early retiree, have been again itching within me. The immeasurable inspiration that I have been drawing from the people and what goes on in my spiritual community at Ananda Village and our other communities elsewhere, my home for the past five years, seems to be burning out rather rapidly. City dwellers and artists and teachers and gas station checkout persons sometimes inspire me and touch my heart more than some devotees in the spiritual community around me.
As you may know, this period of spiritual awakening for me has been accompanied by a creative enthusiasm for writing and sharing spiritual inspiration with others, in the form of blogs and social media posts. No doubt I’ve received an incredible amount of encouragement and fulfillment from sharing my writing.
Then this period of transition came about, and along with it I felt I received certain signs. All of a sudden, I started to feel a bit funny, sometimes, about what I’m doing. I started to question my mind. Why do I keep having to share every little thought that comes to me? “Why am I polluting the world with my half-baked understanding of things?” “Is it all in my mind,” as someone once suggested to me? “Am I pretending to be an arbiter of truth?” “Just to satisfy the ego?”
I don’t think these thoughts are coming to me as a result of some kind of “inferiority complex”, because so far I have not been a tiny bit shy or doubtful to share, whenever I genuinely felt an inspiration was flowing through.
And I started to question the love of my life. Perhaps I have just been idealizing a romantic experience I had, out of proportions. Perhaps the idea of “the only love of my life”, or having fulfilled all my desires for love, was simply my resistance, some idea I had made up in my mind.
My understanding of spirituality is evolving also, and reading Ram Dass’s “Be Here Now” has been a sweet aid for me in this. I’m learning that true renunciation simply means not being in the mind. It means going fully with the flow. It means wanting whatever Divine Mother wants for you at any given moment, with no attachment whatsoever to any direction, any outcome, any idea.
It means if I’ve made up my mind about being a monk and then Divine Mother wants me to open up to love, to kiss the beautiful face who stands in front of me, not to push her away in the name of “spirituality”. That would be rejecting the Here and Now. That would be resisting Divine Mother, and instead sticking with an idea of the mind. It would just be another way the ego has its grip on me.
As Ram Dass says “Baloney!” I feel I’m in the process of shedding a lot of baloney.
It is not easy to withstand this shift. It feels like I am being severely tested. Because when I’m in my heart I feel this is a vital part of my personal spiritual growth. But when I am in my mind, inadvertently once in a while, I think perhaps I am “falling off the path”, sinking into a negative state of mind.